A true, accurate, and extremely blasphemous excerpt from the Journal of the Lord Most High
Hey diary. I’ve been hanging out for aleph-null years in this endless void I call my house. Kinda feeling unfulfilled. I think I’ll try this “worship” thing that the other Gods are trying.
Made some angels. It feels all right. But I think, I think it’s not as good as it could be. It just doesn’t feel genuine.
Well this is a clusterfuck. I gave all the angels freewill, and one of them named Satan chose this thing called “Sin.” I’m not sure what it is but it really fucking hurts. It’s kinda slimy, smells bad, and I got this damn itchy rash and started wheezing a bit. Anyway I banished Satan and his cronies, and took away free will for the rest of the angels. Gotta draw the line somewhere, you know? So anyways, gonna figure out something else.
So yeah talked to some other gods. “Sin” is this force that is literally everything that isn’t me. Not me? Ugh, that’s so fucking disgusting.
But, for worship to feel good it has to be genuine. I’ve got all these immortal angels but they don’t have a choice in the matter. So it sucks.
So I need worship, but it has to be out of free will but Sin is a side effect of free will.
I can’t just create a bunch of freewilled immortals on my own turf. Can’t let any Sin in here again. Fucking gross. And if I give them free will they might choose this icky “Sin”. Plus I tried that with the angels and wound up with Satan. Fuck that guy with his “pay raises” and “retirement plans” and “health insurance” and “vacation days” and “hazardous working conditions” and “collective bargaining” nonsense.
Some of the other gods have suggested I might have a Sin allergy and should get that checked out. What are they, doctors now? I’m a god for god’s sake, and I can do my own damn research. Anyway.
So I got to thinking some more and I think I’m on to something… hear me out here. If I make a bunch of mortals, give them immortal souls so they have free will, put them in a pocket dimension that I can observe, and then once they die I harvest only those souls who chose to worship me in life, that would work out great for me. Voluntary worship forever baby. And if I wait to revoke free will until after they’re with me, they can’t complain.
Things got weird. The first female mortal Lilith totally figured out my plan and then she got the husband into some weird shit. I turned Lilith into a demon so I could banish her, and I’m gonna wipe his memory and start over again. Sucks, I had a really cool thing going with the dinosaurs. I’m thinking a walled garden this time, a little lower key and maybe stuff won’t get so out of hand.
I don’t think the memory wipe completely took, because he’s praying for a wife again. Must be a side effect of the immortal soul. I dunno after the Lilith fiasco though, although I do see his point about wanting kids, and more mortals means more worshipers. Maybe if I make it a rule that women submit to their husbands? Yeah, and also to keep the plan a secret I’m gonna take all the knowledge I don’t want them to have and put it into a fruit tree. It’s brilliant; who’s gonna suspect a fruit tree? I’ll just make them prefer fat and salt and simple carbs so they don’t go after fruit. Better take some extra steps to make sure they don’t go near it, though.
And that brings me to something else. They need to know they need to worship me or this whole plan is trash, and obviously the mortals need some extra rules just to keep this whole thing on the rails. Ugh, this sin thing sucks for me buuuut lemme just… ugh… gonna pop in here real quick and give vague instructions before some mortal gives me cancer. Note to self: Can’t spell it out, or they might worship me out of coercion and that doesn’t feel as good. See: angels.
This is working out great! Everything super a-ok hunky dory. I’m surrounded by yes men who chose to yes me when they had a choice. Feels amazeballs.
So yeah anyway as a side effect I have all these souls that chose “Sin” and not worship. Also remember that Satan guy that showed up when I tried giving the angels free will? GET THIS! He finds my pocket universe, barges right in, and now he’s trying to encourage them to pick “Sin”. What is his fucking problem?
So yeah, gross. Gonna try some stuff here.
A couple friends are expressing concern. They say the gods are talking about me. They think I’m addicted to worship. And my “friends” say this much worship isn’t good for me and I should think about getting a girlfriend. Wanted to set me up with Persephone, she’s currently single and asking about me. I dunno about her, though; I hear she’s more into the brooding emo god of death type and I’ve got NOTHING in common with that.
I don’t need a girlfriend anyway, I’m doing great. Besides, who are they to nose into my private life?? And if they want to be taken in by gossip, let them, what do I care? I got my worship and I don’t need them. And anyway I’m not addicted. It’s just a hobby. I can quit whenever I want.
I tried drowning everyone. Worked out ok for a bit. Trouble is I had to spare this one dude Noah and his family or the whole plan was kaput. Anyway these guys were kinda put off by the whole “wrath of God” thing. Who can fathom mortals and their small minds? They’re starting to sound like my nagging friends and their judgmental “not being cruel to mortals” talk. So yeah long story short, to smooth things over I swore to the mortals I’d never do it again. Turns out breaking a promise is “Sin” (ugh, ick, gross), even a promise to mortals, so I really can’t actually drown everyone again. So that bridge is burned I guess.
Speaking of burning, gonna spend some time working on loopholes that don’t make me break out in hives, ’cause not being able to genocide humans while they’re still alive is kind of constricting. Odin told me war might work, and it’s entertaining to boot. I might give that a whirl.
Come to find out my buddy does the immortal soul/mortal vessel thing. He doesn’t do it for worship though, but just to “create beautiful souls,” whatever that means. So yeah anyhow he says he recycles his souls that aren’t ready, asked if I’d tried it yet. Says Sin makes a nice fertilizer if you don’t mind getting your trunk dirty. Okay, one, fuckin’ gross, you all-organic elephant hippie bastard. And two, mind your own damn business, Neshy. Come to think of it, I’d better make it a rule that you can’t follow other gods, just in case he gets any funny ideas about stealing my souls.
The point being I can’t figure out what to do with the leftover sinny souls.
Better just… toss them all in the incinerator.
Hmm, right, the souls I created because I needed free will are immortal. They won’t actually burn up. They’ll just… hmm. Be tortured for eternity.
Oh well, fuck ’em.
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